“Flutter of wings” (1992)

To Xus and Arago, that also wanted to fly

I had always liked to look at the stars. It was a joy that I had learned when I was a child, at night, I opened the windows wide open no matter if it was winter or summer – and raised up my eyes above the roofs of the buildings in front. I enjoyed watching the gentle quietly banded stars, and the intermissions that was a show faithful ordered by the laws of nature and allow to admire by decisions of the gods. It made diverse strange  ways that sometimes it speak to the spirit. The word sprang out from my thinking. I wanted to put a lot of adjectives and feelings that I had experienced that filled my heart with joy. I occasionally associated differents ideas that provoked in me little chuckles out of my mouth.

I trembled when the wind cryed among the wooden shutters of the neighborhood. I got impatient because I was afraid. I feared that permanent noise of the cold winter nights where despite of the widespread reign of stars, it squeaked those evil objects. I stuck my head under the covers looking for the warmth from the rest of my body. Isolated from the terror of that night, I glided like a snake into the bed. I wanted to find that ideal world that I had always imagined, that universe of peace and love, full of humanism where light always wins evil. These were moments to remember as child with those idols of that age, singers and actresses who I loved it,when you, and only you, knew that the world turned around and thoughts cross by and the darkness of bed fly in circles.

I drew the wings and planned by the air. I spread my wings and enjoyed the land and water. The wind carried me in distant lands and I liked. I saw unfamiliar towns and cities full of friendly bystanders but everyone waving because they knew I was good, that I really loved them and that they had been created to be with me. Forests are blended into the horizon, hinting where sharp peaks of warm water that flowed born without stopping, and the fog rose and rose, played with the look that it was increasingly difficult to differentiate specific figures who lived there. I opened my wings and ran through the wind, planned by a very large air galleries and I rushed into affect. I wanted to express all those feelings in order to entertain the tender moments of my childhood, but it was hard.

Myself, knight of the kingdom under the covers, afraid of what was outside. Lived in a home that seemed unknown cradling my sufferings. I whipped my sword against the enemy and it did not appear. I protected my head with the golden helmet and shoulders dropped silver feathers praised my figure, giving me security in the approaching conflict. I rather defend Laura or my Carmesina, Helena or Dulcinea who felt secure of the strength of his beloved, and, I would avenge his dishonor. I punish the offenses received whoever the perpetrator was. I’d go after my goodness castle copy to create a home where all our friends had no place. Would follow an orderly life, shaped by the society of that time. It was the seventies.

I could hear my parents snoring from the next room and I suffer no more. Someone was with me but if something happened to me, who would come for me? They slept and I suffered. Suffered from the loneliness of the night and beyond, far, far away, the threshold foreshadowed a dark hallway, I was scared, thinking what had bothered me at the other end of the dark, what was on the other end of the dark, what could be, what would I do to be saved if an animal attacked me at night?.

I knew the old monsters that frightened my childhood happiness. I was a child quiet, observant and silent, quiet and thoughtful, sensitive to new developments that occurred … Wild animals always accompanied me to not lose the way of fantasy. Imagination with them had no bounds or boundaries. We had fabulous adventures where all humans and creatures were friends, and ran, and jumped over the green grass that grew on the valley. We mounted and descended steep ridges lit canyons filled with life. There was always chatty critters: How noisy were those damned in those places! All running and playing at being someone else. I enjoyed transforming the body into the figure of one of my little friends. See how the body and legs are fused, leaving only down there, two insignificant little feet that beat each other incessantly, I liked the arms extend to touch the ground with their hands, walking on all fours and grow hair. Feeling a creature of nature fierce, screaming, and delightful sounds that capture the attention of new partners dreams and desires.

There were also thoughtful leafy trees that I could talk about whatever I wanted and I made them curious and direct questions that sometimes they blushed and didn´t answered. They were shy and quiet, but they liked children because they vented with them. We were told how they were born and why they were there. They had come from far away looking for joy and they found it with us. I enjoyed very much to see our games around the stumps and complained softly if someone who played there like the bugs or the kids like me that gently bumped the bark of its trunk. In the sky it fluttered bewitched magic birds again. They said shrilly fleeing the night and so we had encountered. We sang melodious songs that were grateful to their dances, causing wind gusts that clouded our hair…

… Because I liked to imagine that nothing was real and felt protected by the friction of the fabric of the bed. Quietly, I found half her face to return to feel the fresh air in my sensitive nose. But suddenly I felt chilling tracks that forced me back to my secret hideout. Urgent decision was needed to organize the defense of my nakedness, but then I identified the evening walk of one of my brothers, wandering down the corridor in search of water to quench the thirst of a heavy dinner.

So with some simple fabrics, could avoid the fear of an unknown world that  I should know soon, because I wanted to be older and there was not much, and the wind sounded in the street.

It seemed that no one walked down the street. The cold had to flee to the past and pedestrians had seized the city in the darkness of a winter night, and I wanted to be older…